Navigating Jealousy and Building Trust in Your Relationship

“A relationship without trust is like a truck without gas. You can stay in it, but it won’t go anywhere.”

Building and maintaining trust in a relationship doesn’t always come easy. It takes work, which involves- active commitment, vulnerability, and a willingness to communicate, even when the topic gets hard. And boy, oh boy, is it challenging. Especially when emotions are running high! But being open, honest and constantly communicating your thoughts and feelings with your partner is the only way to stay true to yourself (and your needs), and show up in a healthy way that fosters trust and support within your relationship.

But before we can talk about building and maintaining trust, we need to first talk about the things that make us distrust our partners.

And, the number one culprit --  jealousy.

Jealousy and trust are two sides of the same coin. If one is flourishing, the other has a hard time thriving.  Focusing on being intentional with our words and actions, and following through with our intimate agreements with our partners, is essential for building trust.  But sometimes that can be difficult, especially when jealousy plays a role.

Why does jealousy arise? Every relationship has its own history and roles, meaning jealousy will pop up differently for you than it does for me. But to be broad, jealousy occurs when we have something and we fear losing it.  For example, your partner may have something (a close friendship, a career, a hobby, or -- the big one! -- a flirtatious or outgoing personality) that you feel left out of.  

Part of building healthy relationships is recognizing when jealousy appears, and looking at the reasons why. What do I value that feels at stake? Where does my jealousy stem from? What about my personal history is driving me to feel this way? What about my partner’s history may be influencing their jealous feelings? Have I spoken with my partner about their expectations or fears?

For instance, your personal time may be really important to you – recharging, relaxing, and enjoying a quiet moment during the day.  However, your partner may feel anxious and jealous of time you don’t want to spend with them. Because you value your partner’s feelings as well, it’s important to have an honest discussion, and clarify the reason for decompressing alone. This could be something as simple as saying, “Hey, I really value you and I value my alone time.  I feel like I can be a better partner if I have 30 minutes to sit and be by myself.”  Or maybe “I just need to quietly unwind after my day. Afterward, let’s go do something together.” By communicating and building trust with our partners, we can curb the anxiety and frustration that accompanies frequent jealousy, and instead focus on the relationships and activities we love.

Since jealousy is a natural emotion, there’s really no point in being ashamed, or worse, keeping yourself in a state of denial about your feelings or the situation.  What you can do, however, is take a few minutes and do a self check-in to acknowledge your feelings and try to determine where they are stemming from.

It’s also essential to acknowledge that we might feel jealous in relationships because of disappointments in the past.  Certainly, previous relationships, both platonic and romantic, can influence how we trust our future partners. These past disappointments might have occurred in moments when we’ve felt betrayed, mistreated or taken for granted. When this happens, it’s natural to put our guard up. Jealousy reigns as a way of protecting ourselves – our instincts are telling us “don’t let it happen again!”

It’s important to recognize these moments, feel your feelings, acknowledge your thoughts – and communicate!  Take a look at your initial reactions during these emotionally charged times, then do your best to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about how you two will work together to build trust in your relationship that puts both parties at ease.

Discussions about jealousy and trust can be hard - no one said they were easy!  We all run into roadblocks, and it’s important to examine why they’re there and communicate and problem-solve together.  This is how we maintain lasting and fulfilling relationships, and create our own individual happiness! It’s hard to feel at ease when jealousy comes into play, so working together to create an environment of trust and comfort together will help you navigate situations when jealous feelings (from either one of you) begin to creep in.

Want to learn more? Call for a complimentary consultation to determine your needs and customize a plan of action: (760) 974-6058

Creating Your Own Self-Care Plan

The topic of self-care has always been a personal favorite of mine and one that I cover with nearly all my clients. It's so important to pursue activities that help you feel healthy- mentally, emotionally and physically. I like to think about the instructions airline attendants give us before take-off: secure the mask over your face before reaching over to help another person.  Before we can show up for other people, we need to first show up for ourselves and make sure our own needs are met.

Yes, I said needs!  Often times, we forget the simple things in life that bring us pleasure, whether it’s reading a book, an invigorating workout, listening to music, exploring the wilderness or engaging with those who are important to us.

Self-care is doing something just for you.  It’s personal. You can chose to share it with others, or you can do it by yourself. It’s a holistic approach to personal contentedness. Now, we all know this sounds great in theory, but the reality is, whatever that “self care activity” is, it's usually ”the first item” that winds up getting shuffled around from list to list and never happens because it isn't considered a priority.

So, how do we make self care a priority so it becomes something we look forward to rather than another chore? We customize it!  Remember, everyone’s self care looks different, so try not to compare or imitate someone else's routine. Here are a few suggestions to assist you in creating your own personal checklist.

Designing Your Self-Care Checklist

Identify what self-care looks like for you

Self-care looks different for every person. What works for one person might be draining for another, so personalizing your self-care plan is key. Think about the activities that make you feel energized, refreshed, and renewed (remember, these activities might be different than your friends’ or partner’s). Here are some questions to ask yourself when creating your self-care plan:

What helps me feel relaxed?
What are some hobbies I’ve lost touch with?
What helps me feel re-energized?
Does my plan involve others, or do I feel refreshed after alone time?
What activities bring me happiness?

Create a realistic plan of action to make it happen

This is where the rubber hits the road, so to speak.  If you are someone who is very organized (or very busy) it is perfectly acceptable to literally schedule self-care time for yourself.  Let me repeat that: schedule self-care time for yourself.  This could be hard and fast: you might decide every morning to spend an hour engaging in self-care and tackling that list you made.  Or, it could be loose: you know you have Mondays off, so you might decide every other Monday you’ll find time in the day to take care of your needs.  

Whatever you decide, make time for yourself!   It’s like getting a paycheck: you should first pay yourself and put money into savings before paying rent or buying a new TV.


Reach out to an accountability partner

Having someone to keep you accountable for sticking with your self-care plan is a great way to stay on-track! Reach out to someone you can check-in with regularly, and offer to be their self-care accountability partner, too. Come up with a regular time to touch base with each other (weekly, monthly), and make sure it happens. Don’t skip it! When we have someone to “report to”, we increase the odds of sticking to a self-care plan, and making it an ongoing part of our lives.


Check in with yourself

Ask yourself: is this plan working for me? Am I able to keep this up long-term? If you’re finding it challenging to schedule in your self-care time, or if you’re not really feeling like your plan is working for you, guess what? You can change it! That’s the beauty of an ongoing self-care plan...it’s flexible, it’s personal, and it’s unique to every individual. If there’s something that’s not working for you, do your best to identify what it is, why it’s not working and promptly switch it out with something more YOU  and more FUN!!!

Remember to be patient and gentle with yourself during this ongoing process. Life is about the journey, not the destination! Be sure to put this list someplace you will see it daily (fridge, mirror, dashboard in your truck) and show yourself some love and wait for a newfound sense of energy, fulfillment and purpose:)

Ashlan Warsteane - The Life Solutionist
Southern Oregon
(760) 974-6058
info@lifesolutionist.com

What's The Difference Between Relationship Coaching & Relationship Therapy?

In relationship coaching, I am sometimes asked by new clients, “So is relationship coaching like relationship therapy?” And while the outcomes and goals may be similar – realizing a satisfying and healthy lifestyle for yourself and your partner - the style, methodology and approaches are entirely different!

So what’s the difference between the two, anyway?!

The biggest difference is that coaching focuses on identifying a clear process for reaching the outcome you desire, rather than focusing on diagnoses and repair through therapeutic sessions.  In therapy, time is often spent focusing on healing, and there might be trauma or strong fears centered around relationships.  In coaching, we work together toward identifying obstacles, setting goals, and making changes in the present.

A therapist might say things like, “How does that make you feel?” 

As a coach, I want to ask questions like, “Where would you like to be, and how can we get you there?”

To use an age-old trope, a coach is an awesome guide.  A coach can be an organizer, a sounding board, or someone who can give a fresh perspective.  A therapist, in contrast, will focus on identifying traumas and prescribing treatments. And while a coach might talk with a client on the phone, over the internet or in-person, therapy is typically provided in an office setting, where the therapist can observe, treat, and form hypotheses on problematic behaviors.

The relationship between coach and client is empowering and results-driven. I have a collaborative relationship with my clients as a coach, and we work together to identify goals, develop skills, and create a roadmap for attaining the lifestyle they envision.

And why are we talking about this?

Great question!!!  Part of moving forward, and getting the help you want, is knowing what sort of specialist you require.  Therapy is certainly very important if you’re working through past issues, and relational therapy can help people move through separation, loss, anxiety and destructive behaviors. However, if you’re looking to achieve results through motivation, inspiration and guidance, relationship coaching may be the best fit. It’s important to know what you need.

So ask yourself: what are you looking for?  If you’re ready to focus on the future and want to have an advocate collaborate with you creating lifelong healthy habits, then coaching is an excellent option. I’m here to guide you on the path to self-improvement and fulfillment, which inevitably leads to a happier, healthier partnership, too. It all starts with you! 

Reach out if you’re ready to make a change…

Ashlan Warsteane - The Life Solutionist
Southern Oregon
(760) 974-6058
info@lifesolutionist.com