“A relationship without trust is like a truck without gas. You can stay in it, but it won’t go anywhere.”
Building and maintaining trust in a relationship doesn’t always come easy. It takes work, which involves- active commitment, vulnerability, and a willingness to communicate, even when the topic gets hard. And boy, oh boy, is it challenging. Especially when emotions are running high! But being open, honest and constantly communicating your thoughts and feelings with your partner is the only way to stay true to yourself (and your needs), and show up in a healthy way that fosters trust and support within your relationship.
But before we can talk about building and maintaining trust, we need to first talk about the things that make us distrust our partners.
And, the number one culprit -- jealousy.
Jealousy and trust are two sides of the same coin. If one is flourishing, the other has a hard time thriving. Focusing on being intentional with our words and actions, and following through with our intimate agreements with our partners, is essential for building trust. But sometimes that can be difficult, especially when jealousy plays a role.
Why does jealousy arise? Every relationship has its own history and roles, meaning jealousy will pop up differently for you than it does for me. But to be broad, jealousy occurs when we have something and we fear losing it. For example, your partner may have something (a close friendship, a career, a hobby, or -- the big one! -- a flirtatious or outgoing personality) that you feel left out of.
Part of building healthy relationships is recognizing when jealousy appears, and looking at the reasons why. What do I value that feels at stake? Where does my jealousy stem from? What about my personal history is driving me to feel this way? What about my partner’s history may be influencing their jealous feelings? Have I spoken with my partner about their expectations or fears?
For instance, your personal time may be really important to you – recharging, relaxing, and enjoying a quiet moment during the day. However, your partner may feel anxious and jealous of time you don’t want to spend with them. Because you value your partner’s feelings as well, it’s important to have an honest discussion, and clarify the reason for decompressing alone. This could be something as simple as saying, “Hey, I really value you and I value my alone time. I feel like I can be a better partner if I have 30 minutes to sit and be by myself.” Or maybe “I just need to quietly unwind after my day. Afterward, let’s go do something together.” By communicating and building trust with our partners, we can curb the anxiety and frustration that accompanies frequent jealousy, and instead focus on the relationships and activities we love.
Since jealousy is a natural emotion, there’s really no point in being ashamed, or worse, keeping yourself in a state of denial about your feelings or the situation. What you can do, however, is take a few minutes and do a self check-in to acknowledge your feelings and try to determine where they are stemming from.
It’s also essential to acknowledge that we might feel jealous in relationships because of disappointments in the past. Certainly, previous relationships, both platonic and romantic, can influence how we trust our future partners. These past disappointments might have occurred in moments when we’ve felt betrayed, mistreated or taken for granted. When this happens, it’s natural to put our guard up. Jealousy reigns as a way of protecting ourselves – our instincts are telling us “don’t let it happen again!”
It’s important to recognize these moments, feel your feelings, acknowledge your thoughts – and communicate! Take a look at your initial reactions during these emotionally charged times, then do your best to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about how you two will work together to build trust in your relationship that puts both parties at ease.
Discussions about jealousy and trust can be hard - no one said they were easy! We all run into roadblocks, and it’s important to examine why they’re there and communicate and problem-solve together. This is how we maintain lasting and fulfilling relationships, and create our own individual happiness! It’s hard to feel at ease when jealousy comes into play, so working together to create an environment of trust and comfort together will help you navigate situations when jealous feelings (from either one of you) begin to creep in.
