Hi Guys! We are in week 4 of our building healthy foundations series. This week is one of the crucial actions necessary to ensure a solid foundation!
This topic is one I have to cover with almost ALL my clients. Having a concrete foundation is key to maintaining a healthy, loving relationship. Over the next few weeks, I will break down the top 5 ways to build this type of foundation.
We all hear about the importance of having a strong foundation in our relationships right? Similar to building a house, the foundation needs to be as solid as possible in order to “weather” the storms down the years. The first thing you need to do is decide what kind of foundation you want. Since it’s your relationship(your house), you get to choose! What is your relationship built on?
I’ve listed my top 5 foundations for creating a solid relationship.
1.Taking time to build a friendship
2.love as an action
3.Constant communication
4.Grow together in self development
5. Self care
Grow together in self development
Personal development, self improvement, and an overall awareness of our innate ability to make changes within ourselves to ensure a healthier, more satisfying lifestyle has become a social fad these days. Everywhere you turn, someone is talking about love languages, personality types, different communication styles, emotional needs and the list goes on and on. I mean honestly, how many little quizzes have you taken on facebook? Are you an introvert or an extrovert ;)
You can literally ask google a question about yourself and I can almost guarantee not only will you get 32 pages of literature to read, you will also get a few quizzes, charts and questionnaires to assist in your personal "web certified" diagnosis. The content is written and organized in a way that is straightforward and easy to understand. And boy is everyone eating this information up! Why? It's a simple answer really... We love talking about ourselves. That's it, plain and simple. All of these different forms of self discovery are interesting and intriguing because we are learning and understanding ourselves better. Isn't it great to finally realize one day why you do whatever it is you do? And even better to share it with everyone! New tweet! #Oh, so I'm not crazy, and there are others out there like me? #I've always felt like i didn't fit in, or, I knew I was different than everybody else. #Wow! I just thought I was a weirdo my whole life. How many of you can relate to these statements or ones like them?
So, once we discover there is a reason or 6, for "our crazy", all these light bulbs start igniting (understanding), followed by feelings of self acceptance, self forgiveness and most of all a desire to make sense of, and ultimately, improve these "internal construction zones". The cool thing about all this, is most of this information comes with the positives and negatives: compatibility factors, quirks, attributes, needs, desires/triggers, and your ideal environments are just a few of the areas addressed. Lot's of pertinent information educating you on who you are, why you are the way you are, and suggested ideals and behaviors you can implement to live your truth and desired lifestyle.
Okay, I got it! How does all this relate to my relationships? Well, like we mentioned earlier, once you hop on the self growth train, you are pretty much on it for life! There is always something you can improve or a specific area of your life you can choose to focus on. Every time you take action by making the necessary personal changes needed to live in a healthier manner, you are excited and encouraged to keep on that path. Why? Because, it feels AWESOME! It feels satisfying to be able to sit down with your partner and have a positive, respectful, productive conversation regarding your need for more quality time and their desire for a certain amount of quiet alone time to recharge. How is this possible? These two people have invested time and energy into understanding each other on a deeper level, past your favorite Netflix show and astrological sign. They know and respect each other's love languages and are aware of where they lie on the introversion/extroversion spectrum. This allows for understanding and compassion, as opposed to the need to prove your point/be right and remembering they have different needs. It allows for patience, instead of interrupting and not listening to each other wholly. Finally, it allows for the desire and willpower to strive to continue to practice these incredibly challenging(at times) actions.
A really important piece I want to mention is both people have to practice self growth individually in order to have a healthy relationship. If only one person is focusing on bettering themselves, there will be "trouble in paradise" very quickly. What happens when you decide to engage in self work? Change, change, change! Lot's of changes left and right! We all agree change is difficult for most of us to some extent. Can you imagine being in a relationship with someone for awhile, you are used to all their personality traits, you have them pretty much dialed in, and then they just switch it up and start thinking differently and doing things they never did before. It can be very distressing and frustrating for the person not growing. The person who is growing seems a little more independent in certain areas, happier, healthier. The person choosing not to embark on a path of self discovery and growth becomes resentful and jaded and feels a sense of abandonment and confusion. And, since we can't change people,(make them want to improve their life as well) we start to grow apart. Eventually, the two have less and less to talk about, less in common and the relationship dies.
You can avoid a lot of this unnecessary drama by first, making a promise to yourself that you will commit to a lifelong journey of self discovery(so you can continue to get to know and understand yourself and so you can communicate your needs effectively to others). Second, committing together, with your partner to make individual growth a priority in your relationship. Remember, everyone changes over time, but in a successful relationship you change and grow together!
Ashlan Warsteane
(760) 974-6058
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