How to Build a Healthy Foundation: Constant Communication

Hi Guys! We are in week 3 of our building healthy foundations series. This week is one of the crucial actions necessary to ensure a solid foundation! 

This topic is one I have to cover with almost ALL my clients. Having a concrete foundation is key to maintaining a healthy, loving relationship. Over the next few weeks, I will break down the top 5 ways to build this type of foundation. 

We all hear about the importance of having a strong foundation in our relationships right? Similar to building a house, the foundation needs to be as solid as possible in order to “weather” the storms down the years. The first thing you need to do is decide what kind of foundation you want. Since it’s your relationship(your house), you get to choose! What is your relationship built on?

I’ve listed my top 5 foundations for creating a solid relationship.

1.Taking time to build a friendship

2.love as an action

3.Constant communication

4.Grow together in self development

5. Self care

Part 3 - Constant communication

     Communication, communication, communication! We have been encouraged to express ourselves via communication since preschool. "Use your words" or "I cant read your mind, tell me what it is you want", are common phrases we have all grown up with right? We are constantly verbalizing our desires, dislikes, thoughts and feelings in our daily lives(work, school, stores, telephones, computers, in person with friends and families).

      Is is important to note there are three types of communication. Verbal, non verbal, and written. Today we will mainly focusing on the verbal communication style. Okay, so why is constant communication so important in relationships? Communication allows you to explain what you are experiencing and what your needs are. It's that simple... well, not really. The concept is simple, however implementing and practicing healthy communication patterns is far from a walk in the park. Sure, we would all love to be able to explain exactly what it is we need 100% of the time. Realistically speaking, most of us have these little things called emotions that make verbalizing what we are feeling difficult at times. We may be hurt, frustrated, confused, annoyed or simply not able to verbally express what is bothering us at the time. It's okay, we are human, and thus, there is always room for learning and improvement in any area we desire.

First of all, i want to point out we all have different communication styles(this is different from the types of communication I mentioned in the last paragraph).

There are four styles of communication: Analytical, Intuitive, Functional, and Personal.

    

  Our communication style is a combination of our personality, what we learned from our families at a young age(what was modeled to us), how we learn, our level of confidence/self worth, and overall perception of the world. Understanding your style, and the strengthens and weaknesses associated with it, will aid you in establishing healthy communication patterns. Let's look at an example. Two people in a relationship have a disagreement, one person is focused on resolving the issue as quickly, practically, and efficiently as possible. She is using, logic, reason, and facts to explain her point of view (Intuitive).He is focused on the step by step details, talking through his thought process, typically mixing in emotion and giving different examples and stories supporting why he feels the way he feels (Personal). 

       Do you see the main difference in these styles and why this can cause misunderstanding and hurt? One person is concerned with facts and the other one is concerned with their feelings. It's easy to see how both can feel unheard and like the other person is not trying to understand what they are saying, or worse, doesn't care. Most times when you get to that point one or both of you either shut down or amp up to the point that you are yelling at each other, trying to get your point across. At that point, it's far too late to expect to have a productive conversation about the issue at hand.  

          Another common misconception in relationships is because our partner loves us so much, knows us so well, has been around long enough, they should just know what we are thinking and wanting right? WRONG!!! People are not mind readers, and it is unfair, unrealistic and foolish to think otherwise. By choosing not to communicate what we are thinking and feeling with our partner, we are directly encouraging them to make assumptions about our needs, desires and dislikes. One of my favorite quotes on this topic is"Most disagreements are the result of faulty assumptions". This is soo true. Think about it for a minute, how many times have you gotten into an argument with someone because either you or the other person assumed something was what it wasn't? I'm sure most of us can come up with at least one instance. Wasn't it annoying and frustrating? Wouldn't it have been much easier if the thoughts/desires were clearly communicated so the intentions were understood?

    

    Well, I have great news for you! It is possible to have a healthy, happy relationship even if you and your partner have different communication styles(more than likely, you will). Positive and productive communication is about mutual respect and a mutual desire to make sure the other person feels heard and understood. It's about talking and listening in a way that is kind, flexible, and considerate. Understanding it's not about who's style is the right or wrong way(one style is not better than the other, just different). Take time to learn your(and your partner's) communication style. Remember both partners must be willing to bend and adjust a bit to differing ways of communicating for you to truly experience the satisfaction of positive, productive communication to ensure you enjoy a healthy, happy relationship! What's your style?

Ashlan Warsteane

The Life Solutionist

(760) 974-6058

info@lifesolutinist.com

How to Build a Healthy Foundation: Love as an Action!

Hi Guys! We are picking up where we left off last Sunday and I have another good one for you this week! This topic is one I have to cover with almost ALL my clients. Having a concrete foundation is key to maintaining a healthy, loving relationship. Over the next few weeks, I will break down the top 5 ways to build this type of foundation. 

We all hear about the importance of having a strong foundation in our relationships right? Similar to building a house, the foundation needs to be as solid as possible in order to “weather” the storms down the years. The first thing you need to do is decide what kind of foundation you want. Since it’s your relationship(your house), you get to choose! What is your relationship built on?

I’ve listed my top 5 foundations for creating a solid relationship.

1.Taking time to build a friendship

2.love as an action

3.Constant communication

4.Grow together in self development

5. Self care

Love as an Action

 So I constantly hear from people "I meant to help out with dinner but I had to work late" "We were supposed to go out tonight for date night but I don't really feel up to it", "I know he doesn't mean it because he loves me" or "I know he needs me to be more helpful around the house, but I'm tired all the time and he knows I love him". Our society has this idea that love is an emotion rather than an action. The examples I gave earlier illustrate this misconception. We are taught that once someone says "I love you" and you reciprocate that statement, it's automatically a magical, effortless, blissful union right? WRONG!

Loving someone is anything but! It is a constant effort of getting to know and understand your partner's communication styles, love languages, desires, dislikes, and overall lifestyle.

Now take a minute and look at the four examples I gave in the second paragraph as opposed to the first. What difference do you see? The first paragraph, the person is making excuses for why they can't do whatever it is they know they should. Whereas, the second paragraph demonstrates continual effort to express love to your partner. Simply put, action vs. inaction. And actions are choices right? Every action we take is the result of a choice we have made. We chose to go to work everyday, hang out with our friends, spend a certain amount of time on social media or watching television. Every minute of the day we are choosing to do exactly what we want to do. We are constantly rearranging and prioritizing tasks, events, and activities based on our desire to participate in whatever we deem important. That doesn't exclude our relationships. We need to be cognizant of the choices we make when our partner is concerned, because in a relationship, those choices are expressed as love or the lack there of. If you decided to no call, no show, for 3 days in a row, your employer would surmise you don't want to work there any longer. If you bail on your date night for the third week in a row, your partner would surmise it's not that important to you(even though you know how important it is to her), you don't care about spending quality time together, or you don't love her enough to make an effort. Are either of them wrong in their assumptions?

Absolutely not! That is exactly what your actions are demonstrating!

  Now, in the first situation with your employer, you would probably be a little jaded, but you would totally understand why you were fired and move on without incident. What about the second situation? Would you LISTEN compassionately to your partner and let them express their feelings, why they are hurt/disappointed and why it is so important to them that you guys take a few hours out of the busy week to spend some quality time together? My guess and my experience says no. Most of us wouldn't be capable of having that calm, productive conversation. It would more than likely turn into an argument. First of all, we would be too defensive to even be receptive to our partners concerns. Why? Because we know deep down that this entire issue, is the direct result of something WE CHOSE not to do. Which in relationships, equates to choosing not to love in this instance. So, instead of taking accountability, listening, apologizing and making a plan to change and start taking action, we blame, come up with excuses, bring up events from the past etc. We do anything we can to divert the attention from us and our errs, ultimately winding up with one person feeling unheard and unloved and the other person angry and defensive. We all know how this plays out. And it's not fun! 

The good news is, we can lessen, and eventually, avoid these distressing situations all together. How? By understanding and adopting the idea that loving our partner is more than a few measly words or empty intentions, it is constant action, expressed in every decision we make. Think about it, how would that "date night" have turned out if you had chosen to just buck up and humor your partner? Doesn't avoiding all that unnecessary drama and just engaging in a few hours of quality time seem better? Seriously, nothing your partner asks of you when it comes to expressing love should be that big of a deal or too much for you. Just do it! The more you do, the more you are showing/proving your love and the happier the two of you will be!

Ashlan Warsteane

The Life Solutionist

(760) 974-6058

info@lifesolutinist.com

How to Build a Healthy Foundation in New Relationships

Hi Guys! I have a good one for you this week! This topic is one I have to cover with almost ALL my clients. Having a concrete foundation is key to maintaining a healthy, loving relationship. Over the next few weeks, I will break down the top 5 ways to build this type of foundation. 

We all hear about the importance of having a strong foundation in our relationships right? Similar to building a house, the foundation needs to be as solid as possible in order to “weather” the storms down the years. The first thing you need to do is decide what kind of foundation you want. Since it’s your relationship(your house), you get to choose! What is your relationship built on?

I’ve listed my top 5 foundations for creating a solid relationship.

1.Taking time to build a friendship

2.love as an action

3.Constant communication

4. Grow together in self development

5. Self care

1. Friendship

Friendship is absolutely necessary because of the level of respect, compassion and overall love we express to our closest friends. Think about it for a second, just think of one of your best friends…

Do you support and console them in times of crisis/provide emotional support? Do you spend time together doing things you enjoy? Do you guys always agree on everything? Is it still cool if you just agree to disagree? Do you forgive and still love them after disagreements? Don’t you feel like you would pretty much do anything for your best friend? And them the same for you? I’m guessing most of us answered yes, to probably all of these questions. Okay, duh, why wouldn’t I do these things for my best friend, right? Right! Which is totally awesome! You are a great friend!

Now let’s switch relationships for a minute, replace your best friend with your partner(and be honest with yourself).

Are you present, available and patient when your partner has a concern they would like to express/address? Even if it’s something you have heard before, don’t care about, or you think is not that big a deal etc. Are you involved and spending quality time in each other’s activities? Even if it’s something you may not necessarily care for? You care for them right? Is it going to kill you? Just do it, it will mean the world to them! When the two of you disagree on something, are you actually LISTENING in an effort to hear each other out? Or do you listen to reply? Or worse you're not listening at all because you are so focused on proving your point. After disagreements/fights, are you able to realize we all have different life experiences, perspectives, and communication styles and it’s totally okay and completely normal to not agree on a crap ton of things! Or do you silently harbor resentment? Regardless of what your hurt, angry, ego says, your partner is not intentionally trying to push your buttons, be irrational, start a fight, or not love you anymore!

The key to mastering this foundation starts with having that mutual respect for one another, like you have for your closest friends. I know, I know, easier said than done right? Wrong! Especially if the two of you take time to cultivate that friendship piece in the beginning. So try and always treat your partner the way you treat friends. And the next time you’re in a postion where you need to extend a little extra patience, compassion, quality time, fill in the blank, to your partner....

Just think, what would you do if this were your bestie!

Ashlan Warsteane

The Life Solutionist

(760) 974-6058

info@lifesolutinist.com

Help! Why do I keep dating the same type of person!

Hi guys! I have another great topic for you this week! Yes, I heard your requests for this one! I really enjoy educating people on this subject because I feel like everyone(myself included), has wondered(at some point), why does it seem like I date the same person over and over again?

     What does this look like exactly? Well, it can manifest in many different forms. Three of the most common ways are: 1. You are having the same types of (unresolved) disagreements / arguments. 2.You often feel disappointed, unheard, unappreciated 3. You want and expect more from your partner than they are giving/ feel like you are the only one giving. Finally, resentment settles in and it reaffirms your belief that ALL MEN ARE LYING JERKS! OR ALL WOMEN ARE CRAZY! NEWS FLASH! If you keep seeing the same reoccurring issues in different relationships, maybe it's time to focus on the common denominator, YOU!!! I know, I know, that's a little harsh, right? That may be so, but so is the realization that you are solely responsible for the partners and the relationships you choose (positive or negative). We all attract the people we have in our lives consciously and unconsciously by the energy we emit into the universe every second of the day.

Okay, cool. This is awesome, not! What can I do about it?

The great news about all this is YOU, have the ability to completely change that one major issue or all of them for that matter. Actually, you are truly the only one who can make that paradigm shift and courageously look inward and acknowledge, accept and begin to address the areas where self growth and development is needed.

The more you focus on getting to know and love yourself, the more positive energy you emit, and the more you will attract positive, loving, individuals. LIKE ATTRACTS LIKE! This is a scientific universal law. So, I challenge you, next time you sit down to watch your favorite t.v. show, take five minutes and grab a pen and a piece of paper and make a short list of what you would like to see more of in your life. It can be anything. respect, laughter, compassion, patience, healthy communication. Read it everyday, believe you will receive it and watch it manifest!

Ashlan Warsteane

The Life Solutionist

(760) 974-6058

info@lifesolutinist.com