Hi Guys! We are picking up where we left off last Sunday and I have another good one for you this week! This topic is one I have to cover with almost ALL my clients. Having a concrete foundation is key to maintaining a healthy, loving relationship. Over the next few weeks, I will break down the top 5 ways to build this type of foundation.
We all hear about the importance of having a strong foundation in our relationships right? Similar to building a house, the foundation needs to be as solid as possible in order to “weather” the storms down the years. The first thing you need to do is decide what kind of foundation you want. Since it’s your relationship(your house), you get to choose! What is your relationship built on?
I’ve listed my top 5 foundations for creating a solid relationship.
1.Taking time to build a friendship
2.love as an action
3.Constant communication
4.Grow together in self development
5. Self care
Love as an Action
So I constantly hear from people "I meant to help out with dinner but I had to work late" "We were supposed to go out tonight for date night but I don't really feel up to it", "I know he doesn't mean it because he loves me" or "I know he needs me to be more helpful around the house, but I'm tired all the time and he knows I love him". Our society has this idea that love is an emotion rather than an action. The examples I gave earlier illustrate this misconception. We are taught that once someone says "I love you" and you reciprocate that statement, it's automatically a magical, effortless, blissful union right? WRONG!
Loving someone is anything but! It is a constant effort of getting to know and understand your partner's communication styles, love languages, desires, dislikes, and overall lifestyle.
Now take a minute and look at the four examples I gave in the second paragraph as opposed to the first. What difference do you see? The first paragraph, the person is making excuses for why they can't do whatever it is they know they should. Whereas, the second paragraph demonstrates continual effort to express love to your partner. Simply put, action vs. inaction. And actions are choices right? Every action we take is the result of a choice we have made. We chose to go to work everyday, hang out with our friends, spend a certain amount of time on social media or watching television. Every minute of the day we are choosing to do exactly what we want to do. We are constantly rearranging and prioritizing tasks, events, and activities based on our desire to participate in whatever we deem important. That doesn't exclude our relationships. We need to be cognizant of the choices we make when our partner is concerned, because in a relationship, those choices are expressed as love or the lack there of. If you decided to no call, no show, for 3 days in a row, your employer would surmise you don't want to work there any longer. If you bail on your date night for the third week in a row, your partner would surmise it's not that important to you(even though you know how important it is to her), you don't care about spending quality time together, or you don't love her enough to make an effort. Are either of them wrong in their assumptions?
Now, in the first situation with your employer, you would probably be a little jaded, but you would totally understand why you were fired and move on without incident. What about the second situation? Would you LISTEN compassionately to your partner and let them express their feelings, why they are hurt/disappointed and why it is so important to them that you guys take a few hours out of the busy week to spend some quality time together? My guess and my experience says no. Most of us wouldn't be capable of having that calm, productive conversation. It would more than likely turn into an argument. First of all, we would be too defensive to even be receptive to our partners concerns. Why? Because we know deep down that this entire issue, is the direct result of something WE CHOSE not to do. Which in relationships, equates to choosing not to love in this instance. So, instead of taking accountability, listening, apologizing and making a plan to change and start taking action, we blame, come up with excuses, bring up events from the past etc. We do anything we can to divert the attention from us and our errs, ultimately winding up with one person feeling unheard and unloved and the other person angry and defensive. We all know how this plays out. And it's not fun! 
The good news is, we can lessen, and eventually, avoid these distressing situations all together. How? By understanding and adopting the idea that loving our partner is more than a few measly words or empty intentions, it is constant action, expressed in every decision we make. Think about it, how would that "date night" have turned out if you had chosen to just buck up and humor your partner? Doesn't avoiding all that unnecessary drama and just engaging in a few hours of quality time seem better? Seriously, nothing your partner asks of you when it comes to expressing love should be that big of a deal or too much for you. Just do it! The more you do, the more you are showing/proving your love and the happier the two of you will be!
Ashlan Warsteane
(760) 974-6058
No comments:
Post a Comment