How to Build a Healthy Foundation: Self Care

Hi Guys! We are in week 5, our final week of our building healthy foundations series. I saved this one for last because it tends to be the last thing we think about necessary to ensure a solid foundation! 

This topic is one I have to cover with almost ALL my clients. Having a concrete foundation is key to maintaining a healthy, loving relationship. Over the next few weeks, I will break down the top 5 ways to build this type of foundation. 

We all hear about the importance of having a strong foundation in our relationships right? Similar to building a house, the foundation needs to be as solid as possible in order to “weather” the storms down the years. The first thing you need to do is decide what kind of foundation you want. Since it’s your relationship(your house), you get to choose! What is your relationship built on?

I’ve listed my top 5 foundations for creating a solid relationship.

1.Taking time to build a friendship

2.love as an action

3.Constant communication

4.Grow together in self development

5. Self care

Self Care

I literally laughed out loud when I sat down to blog today and realized what my last foundation was. Why, you ask? Because self care is probably the single most undervalued, misunderstood, easily forgotten, concept out there. We all struggle with the concept of "taking care of ourselves, or taking time for ourselves". Yet, in order to have a healthy, happy, thriving relationship, it is absolutely mandatory each person practice self care on a regular basis. I am constantly working on being more conscientious and self aware of my own personal needs and taking time to nourish myself(It's definitely not always easy).

    If I were to ask you right now "do you take care of yourself?", you would probably answer yes or duh, of course I take care of myself. What kind of a dumb question is that, right? Now, what if I were to ask how do you take care of yourself? Can you give me two ways in which you practice self care? If you can, AWESOME! If you can't, still AWESOME, because after this article you will be able to (and your life and relationships will surely benefit!) 

    The idea and emphasis of self care has gained a lot of notoriety recently, which is exciting and motivating for some people and daunting and overwhelming for others. In our technology age, there is sooo much information out there, everywhere! It can be intimidating to know where to look, what to read/watch and HOW to implement these essential activities and blocks of time into our already crammed agenda. Oh, yeah, did I mention this time is supposed to be dedicated just for you, all by yourself.(Who's going to watch the kids)? Who has time to squeeze another activity into their day, right? We are all incredibly busy with our families, jobs, schools, household duties, just life in general! 

    

     Now, all of a sudden these days our doctors, the workplace, social media, coaches, everyone is encouraging us to take time out for ourselves. What do we say? Yeah, sure. Sounds good. I'll get right on that doc! Let me tell you why you should actually get right on that. Self care is the food that nourishes our mind, body and spirit.  Like I mentioned earlier, we are all constantly on the go and we are constantly giving. Living and existing is giving. We give our time, energy, effort, knowledge and love continuously. With all that giving, we need to ensure our "vessel" remains full and is performing at an optimal level in order to be capable of giving to ourselves and others (especially in our relationships, which require an enormous amount of love, time and energy) We have all experienced the physical effects within our body when we don't get enough sleep or we go too long without food. #HANGRY! It's not a pretty site. The same happens emotionally and spiritually, it's just not as obvious because it isn't tangible. Anxiety, fatigue and irritability are good indicators that you are running low on fuel and it is probably around the time you could use a serious refill. I'll take a cup of self care, thanks!

     

      Okay, I hear you, so how does one figure out how to practice self care? First, I just want to say self care is not as confusing as you may think. I'll break it down into three steps: The first step is acknowledging and identifying (figuring out) your needs.  Next, is planning. Actually designating a certain amount of time to enjoy your you time (Let's be honest, if we don't schedule it in and set an alarm in our phones like everything else in our lives, it will never get done).The final step is action! Using the allotted time to meet your needs by engaging in activities that nurture and refuel you. That's it! These activities should be things you actually enjoy doing by the way, not something you have to force yourself to do. Don't choose working out for an hour at the gym as your self care activity because you "feel like you should", if you don't like the gym or working out. A common misconception is that self care looks, or should look the same for everyone. NEGATIVE! It is unique for every individual because we all have different needs. In your relationship, for example, your self care could be going to a different part of the house and listening to your favorite type of music for an hour (uninterrupted, need to isolate). Your partner's could be going for a run (need for physical activity). It is designed by you, for you. Whatever you choose is fine as long as it is supporting your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health. 

Naturally, with a overall healthier being, everyone in your life will benefit creating a more harmonious environment. What will you new self care activity be?

Ashlan Warsteane

The Life Solutionist

760.974.6058

info@lifesolutinist.com

How to Build a Healthy Foundation: Self Development

Hi Guys! We are in week 4 of our building healthy foundations series. This week is one of the crucial actions necessary to ensure a solid foundation! 

This topic is one I have to cover with almost ALL my clients. Having a concrete foundation is key to maintaining a healthy, loving relationship. Over the next few weeks, I will break down the top 5 ways to build this type of foundation. 

We all hear about the importance of having a strong foundation in our relationships right? Similar to building a house, the foundation needs to be as solid as possible in order to “weather” the storms down the years. The first thing you need to do is decide what kind of foundation you want. Since it’s your relationship(your house), you get to choose! What is your relationship built on?

I’ve listed my top 5 foundations for creating a solid relationship.

1.Taking time to build a friendship

2.love as an action

3.Constant communication

4.Grow together in self development

5. Self care

Grow together in self development

Personal development, self improvement, and an overall awareness of our innate ability to make changes within ourselves to ensure a healthier, more satisfying lifestyle has become a social fad these days. Everywhere you turn, someone is talking about love languages, personality types, different communication styles, emotional needs and the list goes on and on. I mean honestly, how many little quizzes have you taken on facebook? Are you an introvert or an extrovert ;)

You can literally ask google a question about yourself and I can almost guarantee not only will you get 32 pages of literature to read, you will also get a few quizzes, charts and questionnaires to assist in your personal "web certified" diagnosis. The content is written and organized in a way that is straightforward and easy to understand. And boy is everyone eating this information up! Why? It's a simple answer really... We love talking about ourselves. That's it, plain and simple. All of these different forms of self discovery are interesting and intriguing because we are learning and understanding ourselves better. Isn't it great to finally realize one day why you do whatever it is you do? And even better to share it with everyone! New tweet! #Oh, so I'm not crazy, and there are others out there like me? #I've always felt like i didn't fit in, or, I knew I was different than everybody else. #Wow! I just thought I was a weirdo my whole life. How many of you can relate to these statements or ones like them?

So, once we discover there is a reason or 6, for "our crazy", all these light bulbs start igniting (understanding), followed by feelings of self acceptance, self forgiveness and most of all a desire to make sense of, and ultimately, improve these "internal construction zones". The cool thing about all this, is most of this information comes with the positives and negatives: compatibility factors, quirks, attributes, needs, desires/triggers, and your ideal environments are just a few of the areas addressed. Lot's of pertinent information educating you on who you are, why you are the way you are, and suggested ideals and behaviors you can implement to live your truth and desired lifestyle.

Okay, I got it! How does all this relate to my relationships? Well, like we mentioned earlier, once you hop on the self growth train, you are pretty much on it for life! There is always something you can improve or a specific area of your life you can choose to focus on. Every time you take action by making the necessary personal changes needed to live in a healthier manner, you are excited and encouraged to keep on that path. Why? Because, it feels AWESOME! It feels satisfying to be able to sit down with your partner and have a positive, respectful, productive conversation regarding your need for more quality time and their desire for a certain amount of quiet alone time to recharge. How is this possible? These two people have invested time and energy into understanding each other on a deeper level, past your favorite Netflix show and astrological sign. They know and respect each other's love languages and are aware of where they lie on the introversion/extroversion spectrum. This allows for understanding and compassion, as opposed to the need to prove your point/be right and remembering they have different needs. It allows for patience, instead of interrupting and not listening to each other wholly. Finally, it allows for the desire and willpower to strive to continue to practice these incredibly challenging(at times) actions.

A really important piece I want to mention is both people have to practice self growth individually in order to have a healthy relationship. If only one person is focusing on bettering themselves, there will be "trouble in paradise" very quickly. What happens when you decide to engage in self work? Change, change, change! Lot's of changes left and right! We all agree change is difficult for most of us to some extent. Can you imagine being in a relationship with someone for awhile, you are used to all their personality traits, you have them pretty much dialed in, and then they just switch it up and start thinking differently and doing things they never did before. It can be very distressing and frustrating for the person not growing. The person who is growing seems a little more independent in certain areas, happier, healthier. The person choosing not to embark on a path of self discovery and growth becomes resentful and jaded and feels a sense of abandonment and confusion. And, since we can't change people,(make them want to improve their life as well) we start to grow apart. Eventually, the two have less and less to talk about, less in common and the relationship dies.

You can avoid a lot of this unnecessary drama by first, making a promise to yourself that you will commit to a lifelong journey of self discovery(so you can continue to get to know and understand yourself and so you can communicate your needs effectively to others). Second, committing together, with your partner to make individual growth a priority in your relationship. Remember, everyone changes over time, but in a successful relationship you change and grow together!

Ashlan Warsteane

The Life Solutionist

(760) 974-6058

info@lifesolutinist.com

How to Build a Healthy Foundation: Constant Communication

Hi Guys! We are in week 3 of our building healthy foundations series. This week is one of the crucial actions necessary to ensure a solid foundation! 

This topic is one I have to cover with almost ALL my clients. Having a concrete foundation is key to maintaining a healthy, loving relationship. Over the next few weeks, I will break down the top 5 ways to build this type of foundation. 

We all hear about the importance of having a strong foundation in our relationships right? Similar to building a house, the foundation needs to be as solid as possible in order to “weather” the storms down the years. The first thing you need to do is decide what kind of foundation you want. Since it’s your relationship(your house), you get to choose! What is your relationship built on?

I’ve listed my top 5 foundations for creating a solid relationship.

1.Taking time to build a friendship

2.love as an action

3.Constant communication

4.Grow together in self development

5. Self care

Part 3 - Constant communication

     Communication, communication, communication! We have been encouraged to express ourselves via communication since preschool. "Use your words" or "I cant read your mind, tell me what it is you want", are common phrases we have all grown up with right? We are constantly verbalizing our desires, dislikes, thoughts and feelings in our daily lives(work, school, stores, telephones, computers, in person with friends and families).

      Is is important to note there are three types of communication. Verbal, non verbal, and written. Today we will mainly focusing on the verbal communication style. Okay, so why is constant communication so important in relationships? Communication allows you to explain what you are experiencing and what your needs are. It's that simple... well, not really. The concept is simple, however implementing and practicing healthy communication patterns is far from a walk in the park. Sure, we would all love to be able to explain exactly what it is we need 100% of the time. Realistically speaking, most of us have these little things called emotions that make verbalizing what we are feeling difficult at times. We may be hurt, frustrated, confused, annoyed or simply not able to verbally express what is bothering us at the time. It's okay, we are human, and thus, there is always room for learning and improvement in any area we desire.

First of all, i want to point out we all have different communication styles(this is different from the types of communication I mentioned in the last paragraph).

There are four styles of communication: Analytical, Intuitive, Functional, and Personal.

    

  Our communication style is a combination of our personality, what we learned from our families at a young age(what was modeled to us), how we learn, our level of confidence/self worth, and overall perception of the world. Understanding your style, and the strengthens and weaknesses associated with it, will aid you in establishing healthy communication patterns. Let's look at an example. Two people in a relationship have a disagreement, one person is focused on resolving the issue as quickly, practically, and efficiently as possible. She is using, logic, reason, and facts to explain her point of view (Intuitive).He is focused on the step by step details, talking through his thought process, typically mixing in emotion and giving different examples and stories supporting why he feels the way he feels (Personal). 

       Do you see the main difference in these styles and why this can cause misunderstanding and hurt? One person is concerned with facts and the other one is concerned with their feelings. It's easy to see how both can feel unheard and like the other person is not trying to understand what they are saying, or worse, doesn't care. Most times when you get to that point one or both of you either shut down or amp up to the point that you are yelling at each other, trying to get your point across. At that point, it's far too late to expect to have a productive conversation about the issue at hand.  

          Another common misconception in relationships is because our partner loves us so much, knows us so well, has been around long enough, they should just know what we are thinking and wanting right? WRONG!!! People are not mind readers, and it is unfair, unrealistic and foolish to think otherwise. By choosing not to communicate what we are thinking and feeling with our partner, we are directly encouraging them to make assumptions about our needs, desires and dislikes. One of my favorite quotes on this topic is"Most disagreements are the result of faulty assumptions". This is soo true. Think about it for a minute, how many times have you gotten into an argument with someone because either you or the other person assumed something was what it wasn't? I'm sure most of us can come up with at least one instance. Wasn't it annoying and frustrating? Wouldn't it have been much easier if the thoughts/desires were clearly communicated so the intentions were understood?

    

    Well, I have great news for you! It is possible to have a healthy, happy relationship even if you and your partner have different communication styles(more than likely, you will). Positive and productive communication is about mutual respect and a mutual desire to make sure the other person feels heard and understood. It's about talking and listening in a way that is kind, flexible, and considerate. Understanding it's not about who's style is the right or wrong way(one style is not better than the other, just different). Take time to learn your(and your partner's) communication style. Remember both partners must be willing to bend and adjust a bit to differing ways of communicating for you to truly experience the satisfaction of positive, productive communication to ensure you enjoy a healthy, happy relationship! What's your style?

Ashlan Warsteane

The Life Solutionist

(760) 974-6058

info@lifesolutinist.com

How to Build a Healthy Foundation: Love as an Action!

Hi Guys! We are picking up where we left off last Sunday and I have another good one for you this week! This topic is one I have to cover with almost ALL my clients. Having a concrete foundation is key to maintaining a healthy, loving relationship. Over the next few weeks, I will break down the top 5 ways to build this type of foundation. 

We all hear about the importance of having a strong foundation in our relationships right? Similar to building a house, the foundation needs to be as solid as possible in order to “weather” the storms down the years. The first thing you need to do is decide what kind of foundation you want. Since it’s your relationship(your house), you get to choose! What is your relationship built on?

I’ve listed my top 5 foundations for creating a solid relationship.

1.Taking time to build a friendship

2.love as an action

3.Constant communication

4.Grow together in self development

5. Self care

Love as an Action

 So I constantly hear from people "I meant to help out with dinner but I had to work late" "We were supposed to go out tonight for date night but I don't really feel up to it", "I know he doesn't mean it because he loves me" or "I know he needs me to be more helpful around the house, but I'm tired all the time and he knows I love him". Our society has this idea that love is an emotion rather than an action. The examples I gave earlier illustrate this misconception. We are taught that once someone says "I love you" and you reciprocate that statement, it's automatically a magical, effortless, blissful union right? WRONG!

Loving someone is anything but! It is a constant effort of getting to know and understand your partner's communication styles, love languages, desires, dislikes, and overall lifestyle.

Now take a minute and look at the four examples I gave in the second paragraph as opposed to the first. What difference do you see? The first paragraph, the person is making excuses for why they can't do whatever it is they know they should. Whereas, the second paragraph demonstrates continual effort to express love to your partner. Simply put, action vs. inaction. And actions are choices right? Every action we take is the result of a choice we have made. We chose to go to work everyday, hang out with our friends, spend a certain amount of time on social media or watching television. Every minute of the day we are choosing to do exactly what we want to do. We are constantly rearranging and prioritizing tasks, events, and activities based on our desire to participate in whatever we deem important. That doesn't exclude our relationships. We need to be cognizant of the choices we make when our partner is concerned, because in a relationship, those choices are expressed as love or the lack there of. If you decided to no call, no show, for 3 days in a row, your employer would surmise you don't want to work there any longer. If you bail on your date night for the third week in a row, your partner would surmise it's not that important to you(even though you know how important it is to her), you don't care about spending quality time together, or you don't love her enough to make an effort. Are either of them wrong in their assumptions?

Absolutely not! That is exactly what your actions are demonstrating!

  Now, in the first situation with your employer, you would probably be a little jaded, but you would totally understand why you were fired and move on without incident. What about the second situation? Would you LISTEN compassionately to your partner and let them express their feelings, why they are hurt/disappointed and why it is so important to them that you guys take a few hours out of the busy week to spend some quality time together? My guess and my experience says no. Most of us wouldn't be capable of having that calm, productive conversation. It would more than likely turn into an argument. First of all, we would be too defensive to even be receptive to our partners concerns. Why? Because we know deep down that this entire issue, is the direct result of something WE CHOSE not to do. Which in relationships, equates to choosing not to love in this instance. So, instead of taking accountability, listening, apologizing and making a plan to change and start taking action, we blame, come up with excuses, bring up events from the past etc. We do anything we can to divert the attention from us and our errs, ultimately winding up with one person feeling unheard and unloved and the other person angry and defensive. We all know how this plays out. And it's not fun! 

The good news is, we can lessen, and eventually, avoid these distressing situations all together. How? By understanding and adopting the idea that loving our partner is more than a few measly words or empty intentions, it is constant action, expressed in every decision we make. Think about it, how would that "date night" have turned out if you had chosen to just buck up and humor your partner? Doesn't avoiding all that unnecessary drama and just engaging in a few hours of quality time seem better? Seriously, nothing your partner asks of you when it comes to expressing love should be that big of a deal or too much for you. Just do it! The more you do, the more you are showing/proving your love and the happier the two of you will be!

Ashlan Warsteane

The Life Solutionist

(760) 974-6058

info@lifesolutinist.com

How to Build a Healthy Foundation in New Relationships

Hi Guys! I have a good one for you this week! This topic is one I have to cover with almost ALL my clients. Having a concrete foundation is key to maintaining a healthy, loving relationship. Over the next few weeks, I will break down the top 5 ways to build this type of foundation. 

We all hear about the importance of having a strong foundation in our relationships right? Similar to building a house, the foundation needs to be as solid as possible in order to “weather” the storms down the years. The first thing you need to do is decide what kind of foundation you want. Since it’s your relationship(your house), you get to choose! What is your relationship built on?

I’ve listed my top 5 foundations for creating a solid relationship.

1.Taking time to build a friendship

2.love as an action

3.Constant communication

4. Grow together in self development

5. Self care

1. Friendship

Friendship is absolutely necessary because of the level of respect, compassion and overall love we express to our closest friends. Think about it for a second, just think of one of your best friends…

Do you support and console them in times of crisis/provide emotional support? Do you spend time together doing things you enjoy? Do you guys always agree on everything? Is it still cool if you just agree to disagree? Do you forgive and still love them after disagreements? Don’t you feel like you would pretty much do anything for your best friend? And them the same for you? I’m guessing most of us answered yes, to probably all of these questions. Okay, duh, why wouldn’t I do these things for my best friend, right? Right! Which is totally awesome! You are a great friend!

Now let’s switch relationships for a minute, replace your best friend with your partner(and be honest with yourself).

Are you present, available and patient when your partner has a concern they would like to express/address? Even if it’s something you have heard before, don’t care about, or you think is not that big a deal etc. Are you involved and spending quality time in each other’s activities? Even if it’s something you may not necessarily care for? You care for them right? Is it going to kill you? Just do it, it will mean the world to them! When the two of you disagree on something, are you actually LISTENING in an effort to hear each other out? Or do you listen to reply? Or worse you're not listening at all because you are so focused on proving your point. After disagreements/fights, are you able to realize we all have different life experiences, perspectives, and communication styles and it’s totally okay and completely normal to not agree on a crap ton of things! Or do you silently harbor resentment? Regardless of what your hurt, angry, ego says, your partner is not intentionally trying to push your buttons, be irrational, start a fight, or not love you anymore!

The key to mastering this foundation starts with having that mutual respect for one another, like you have for your closest friends. I know, I know, easier said than done right? Wrong! Especially if the two of you take time to cultivate that friendship piece in the beginning. So try and always treat your partner the way you treat friends. And the next time you’re in a postion where you need to extend a little extra patience, compassion, quality time, fill in the blank, to your partner....

Just think, what would you do if this were your bestie!

Ashlan Warsteane

The Life Solutionist

(760) 974-6058

info@lifesolutinist.com

Help! Why do I keep dating the same type of person!

Hi guys! I have another great topic for you this week! Yes, I heard your requests for this one! I really enjoy educating people on this subject because I feel like everyone(myself included), has wondered(at some point), why does it seem like I date the same person over and over again?

     What does this look like exactly? Well, it can manifest in many different forms. Three of the most common ways are: 1. You are having the same types of (unresolved) disagreements / arguments. 2.You often feel disappointed, unheard, unappreciated 3. You want and expect more from your partner than they are giving/ feel like you are the only one giving. Finally, resentment settles in and it reaffirms your belief that ALL MEN ARE LYING JERKS! OR ALL WOMEN ARE CRAZY! NEWS FLASH! If you keep seeing the same reoccurring issues in different relationships, maybe it's time to focus on the common denominator, YOU!!! I know, I know, that's a little harsh, right? That may be so, but so is the realization that you are solely responsible for the partners and the relationships you choose (positive or negative). We all attract the people we have in our lives consciously and unconsciously by the energy we emit into the universe every second of the day.

Okay, cool. This is awesome, not! What can I do about it?

The great news about all this is YOU, have the ability to completely change that one major issue or all of them for that matter. Actually, you are truly the only one who can make that paradigm shift and courageously look inward and acknowledge, accept and begin to address the areas where self growth and development is needed.

The more you focus on getting to know and love yourself, the more positive energy you emit, and the more you will attract positive, loving, individuals. LIKE ATTRACTS LIKE! This is a scientific universal law. So, I challenge you, next time you sit down to watch your favorite t.v. show, take five minutes and grab a pen and a piece of paper and make a short list of what you would like to see more of in your life. It can be anything. respect, laughter, compassion, patience, healthy communication. Read it everyday, believe you will receive it and watch it manifest!

Ashlan Warsteane

The Life Solutionist

(760) 974-6058

info@lifesolutinist.com

Relationship Coaching Tip of the Week #1 - Do you choose, or are you chosen?

This weeks tip is one of my personal favorites!  Are you aware in relationships there is always a picker and a pickee? A picker is the person who decides and ultimately chooses to pursue a relationship with you. They identify attributes within you they admire and or desire within themselves.

That's awesome right? You have what someone else desires, yaaay you! Hang on just a minute though... What about you and what you desire from a potential mate? If you are not sizing them up as well and seeing if they are emotional capable of meeting your needs then only one of you is going to be satisfied and content (and it's not going to be you).

Sure, things may go well for a while during the honeymoon phase but eventually that lust will wear off and soon be replaced with frustration and resentment. Choose today to be a picker from now on! Your feelings and desires matter!

Ashlan Warsteane
The Life Solutionist
(760) 974-6058
info@lifesolutinist.com